I was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder, as well as schizophrenia when I was 10 years old. I was having many of the symptoms once puberty hit. I experienced puberty at an early age. I feel it sort of robbed me of my childhood. I began menses when I was 8. So yeah, I feel a little "robbed." Shortly after, I began hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. The voices or should I say voice was always the same. It was, and is a deep man's voice. The first time I heard him speak was when I was 10. I was laying in bed, scared out of my gourd about one thing or another. LOL. Don't know what....so, I lay frozen. Out of nowhere I hear this deep man's voice say "Good night."
I've got to say, it literally scared THE LIVING HELL out of me. It wasn't the TV, and the only people in the house were my mother and I. The voice was extremely deep, not spooky, a little comforting, actually. But, being 10 years old and hearing voices, ugh....just creeped me out. I didn't tell anyone about the voice, (who I now call "Virgil") lol. He's just totally the Virgil type to me....I imagine him with a big old mustache from olden times in colonial America, old man, handsome though. Circular mono eye glass thingy....I've tried finding a picture that would resemble him, but to no avail. I've even tried drawing him, and I'm no artist....but anyways, he's my Virgil....he's been with me for 10 years now, and I guess he'll always be around....which, brings me off topic to a song by Willie Nelson. God.
So anyways, I have been staying on my medicines religiously. I had a bit of a psychotic breakdown last Sunday, in which I threw a bunch of my stuff in a bag, and was planning on moving in with my boyfriend, which right now....due to really unpleasant circumstances cannot afford to take me in. My mom told me to pack my pills, and I didn't want to, because I didn't want my boyfriend to know that I am mentally ill. So, I wasn't going to pack my pills. I finally threw them in the bag, and then my mother told me that when my boyfriend came to pick me up, she was going to tell him about my mental illnesses and prepare him for what is to come. I was very, very angry. That night, after I was told he couldn't take me in with him because he cannot afford someone living with him at this time, I hit him. When he left, I took my pills and went off to bed. I was beat from freaking out. The next evening, it was time for me to take my pills, but they were no where to be found. I was frustrated, because I needed my pills. My mom and I looked everywhere, but could find them nowhere. I went without my pills, and it was the worst experience of my life with schizophrenia up to this point!
Note to self, I CANNOT go without my meds. I tried to keep my cool, but I was going through some pretty traumatic stages. One minute, I was laying wide awake in bed, laughing my head off, Lol. Seriously. When I'm not freaking out about one thing or another, I am usually laughing at absolutely nothing. Ugh....I slay myself. Well, mom didn't think it was funny, and got angry at me and told me to go to sleep. I couldn't. I just lay there, laughing at everything I could think of. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe and tears were rolling down my face. I needed my medicine, but I couldn't find it. That night I experienced the worst phases of Hell. Horrible nightmares keeping me up, terrifying hallucinations, I thought I was having a heart attack at one point during the whole thing. The next day, I went into work, extremely tired, irritable, and furious at my boyfriend for no reason....lol. Who hasn't heard that one before? On top of schizophrenia, I also have Bipolar. Yeah, I know. Lovely. I was just crying and screaming and freaking. Hit him last night because I misunderstood something he said. Yeah, I'm a violent person. I have anger issues. I have a temper, I'm mentally ill, and I'm downright INSANE!!
Now, I have a boyfriend who cowers in fear of me, and hesitates to let me hug him. For some reason, I think it's funny to make him think that I am going to hit him again, even though I didn't. I don't know why, and I wish that part of me could stop. Life with schizophrenia and mental illness isn't easy AT ALL. But, day by day I am trying to live with my struggles. It's so hard at times, and many times I feel like giving up. But, I put my faith in God and know that he will guide me in all that I do.
Hope to make some friends in the community to connect with and share stories with.
God bless you all :) And never, ever EVER, no matter what ANYONE tells you give up hope. There will be a light at the end of our tunnel. Sometimes, we just have to look for it ourselves.